Empty

Another Empty Soul
I find myself on a slippery slope,
heading for a bottomless pit.

My heart has given up,
on what it longed for.
There is no excitement
or up lift there.
Just sadness and sorrow
to look at and stare.
An empty vessel
on a sea of dreams,
no outstretched hand
to drag me out of there.
Down I go into darkness,
the light above gets dimmer
as I go on my ride downward.
I am not looking back,
too many broken dreams there.
The darkness will soon engulf me,
and then I will be gone.
Who will sing my praises?
No one I fear.
I will be another empty soul,
on a sea that is already full,
too aimless
to find any way back.

David Harris

 

Not sure what to do anymore. I need to change some things in my life before I hit the bottom. I feel emotionless and over emotional at the same time. I am starting to feel guilty about everything I do and say in my life. 

I want to start this blog again, loose weight to the point I can take a full body picture and not hate myself (and for the record, I like my curves ... just not as much of them), take more pictures, work on my languages and businesses and just find time to find myself again.

I don't know who I am anymore. So lost and confused. I used to have dreams and passions ... and when asked what they are ... I think long and hard and can't think of anything that drives me to the point of tears or would kill me to never achieve. I'm starting to get addicted to games again because I feel I can be someone special, that I AM someone special to people. I have an amazing group of friends that are excited when I log on and we can go explore and fight together. 

 

Some days I wish the world was really like that. 

I find out that Robin Williams died today, from apparent suicide. And want to remind everyone that people will hide their issues, those that seem the happiest are usually hiding the most. BE KIND TO EVERYONE because you never know what might be the tipping point in someone's life.

I haven't felt happy in a long time. Feel like my feeling don't matter, that I, honestly don't matter.
This feeling of neglect, disrespect, lack of love .... hurts. But its starting to numb out, like I am used to it. 

I want to matter.

I want to be special, feel special.

I want to be someones everything, the reason they do what they do.

I want to change someones life for the better.

As I am now, I feel I will only hurt people the way I am hurting inside.

I know this will pass or I will hide it with everything else. And I am truly sorry for being so negative.

 

So I need to evaluate my life and everything in it. 

You shall see me more soon.

Maybe I will post weight loss progress pictures for you all.  Would you like that?

<3

New hair and thoughts

So yeah went back to natural or it will when the Demi permanent fades out. But I will enjoy the cherry orange for a bit! 

So I'm curious why more guys don't watch "chick flicks". We obviously like them because of the relationship the characters have is what we really want but know we will never get. 

I met a guy who watched these. Learned from them. He was sweet and genuine but I was so used to not having romance like that it was weird and I didn't know how to react to it without feeling like my 6 year old self fantasizing about castles and Prince Charming. 

Why is it so wrong to have a movie type romance? Most are based off real events or fantasies that someone WANTS. I think the world would be a better place if we all loved like that. Uplifting and special. The whole "I would take a bullet for you" or I guess with societies fascination with vampires and zombies "I would take a bite for you" ( I'm guilty for the zombies haha)

What I'm trying to say is, guys (and some of you ladies) stop trying to impress your friends of how cool you are by making your partner feel like crap and make them jelous of what you have and they don't.

I am tired of hearing, seeing and feeling the hurt from others and myself. Why can't we all feel special? Like someone wants us and needs us and no one can replace us. 

Anyways. Respect and understanding is what I'm trying to get at. 

Love you all

Food, Holidays, Cops and North Korean A$$holes

Ah cooking ~ something I really do enjoy doing. I love making new things and experimenting <3 This is my aunts boyfriends daughter. I had a lot of fun drawing this. I had intended to do shading but it looked odd with the background so I left it like this and it works! I like the smaller lines too. I played with bigger lines with her brothers which will be tomorrow.

Been having troubles sleeping. You know the whole not being able to turn your brain off thing? I'm disturbed that I can't seem to keep this up and I am falling behind in what I want to do. Saying that I have dropped some weight which is nice. I just wish I could get the dances I'm learning down haha. It is building my confidence though! I am eating an Asian pear while typing this. To be honest it is the first time I have knowingly had it and its soooo good. Bites like fresh cold solid watermelon but tastes like a pear in the shape of an apple. It is quite the experience.

Today I was stopped by the cops .... because my car was SO dirty they couldnt read my license plate clearly enough. No ticket so I went and washed my car but it was a wand wash with no dry system. being -17C today I have little frozen ice droplets all over my car .... look awesome.

Holidays are coming up and I honestly am not really looking forward to them. I don't feel in the holiday spirit what-so-ever. Still a week to go so it might change. I wonder if anyone else feels this way ~

Anyways. I am a proud Nasty and really support Simon and Martina. I love the cause they chose this year and for it to work no one needs to spend money! Watch, like, fav, share, click and vote. All it takes!
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Anyways goodnight! Love you all <3

Winter love birds

So this is my tutors roommate and his girlfriend from Korea! She is visiting until February. I have had the pleasure of meeting both of them a couple times now. They are so sweet together :3

After lessons we went to a local farmers market in the city by UofA campus. Felt more like a craft sale but still equally awesome. We also met up with another of his friends who plays in the military band. He was playing with his buddies at the market and it was so pretty. It was nice to sight see a bit.

Sorry I haven't posted in so long. Working long hours at my new job and its exhausting. Things are piling up on me and kinda stressing myself out! Need to stop it haha. Other then that I have been making plans to get myself up to schedule and speed with what I want to do versus what I feel I can do. So Regular updates should start happening soon. To be honest probably wont start till after the holidays.... Just to be safe :)

Anyways love you all!

:D

Drew a picture of my Korean tutor and my Boyfriend :D I made my tutor alittle taller but yeah haha. this was fun to do. And had an awesome day today.

First was our lessons where I think I didn't do too bad. I feel great about my knowledge and then I'm put on the spot and my head goes blank ^-^; I think I should try to think the greetings in my head when I am meeting new people etc. in my daily life to help get used to them.

My tattoo on Linda was a lot of fun! She is such a strong woman to not only sit on a table for 3 hours so I can tattoo her foot but to also go through the pain of having a tattoo on her foot! I'm digg'n her new hair cut and I think it suits her well and damn she lost weight and looks sexy! Love ya girl! <3

After had dinner with my family and had my cousin come by too for a surprise. It was awesome to see my ferret Douglas again ... I miss him dearly. And on the way home the fog was so bad I was driving like 80km/hr the whole way ! (normal 100-110) We are expected to have a snow storm at some point ... I hope it waits till after my first day at my new day job tomorrow. Well thats it for tonight.

Love you all <3