Almost

Almost 

Today feels like a day I should be happy, and for the most part I am I guess. I have an awesome insurance agent that reduced my premium from $295 to $216 a month and finally got our marriage license. But with the marriage license comes the feeling of am I worth it? Is this what I want? Is this what my partner wants? Are we happy?

Little things are starting to become bigger and more serious things and all of our problems with ourselves and each other are coming out. Its reminding me of all the stupid things I have done and do and my past mistakes that continue to haunt me. My partners culture is very focused on the past and its hard to get my view of 'dragging the past behind you, will stop you from moving forward the way you want' across. It will take time and they are trying to understand but that is the issues with a multi-cultural and large age gap relationship. 

Hopefully better news tomorrow! At least I'm working <3

Love you all

Dear future partner,

I've seen these requirements posts floating around and I thought I would do one. What I am looking for in a partner (I like men and women equally) might not be what everyone else generally wants.

1. My first love language is Quality Time:
Spending quality time with me. This one is just under priority of acts of service. Doesn't have to be a date and honestly hate wasting money on silly things. But I am easy to please and if you are by my side I am generally happy. But don't just sit on a couch all day playing games with me in the house awkwardly sitting beside you. I love video games and most that I play are multiplayer. I'm also into going and trying new things. I want to be more active and social. Let's do things together! 

2. My second, after a lot of thought, is Words of Affirmation:

I love to give and receive this one. I do my best to always give but noticing a lack of receiving. I was lying in bed and started thinking of all the people I have dated. All but two never told me I was pretty without me asking first. Very few would acknowledge or thank me for things I did. Makes me sad. So thank you Richard and 홍규, my two long distance relationships. I just want to find someone who thinks I am the best thing for them and tells me and uplifts me.

3. Everyone is all of them but some more then others. Here they are to me in order of importance. 

Service: If I fall in love with you, I will do almost everything to make you happy. But some help with daily/weekly chores or errands goes along way. Show me how much you care by helping me (don't take over if I'm doing something and you want to help. Then help.). This isn't just chores, could be a project I'm working on or help with something I'm struggling with. Show me you think I'm your equal.

Touch: Now this one is and isn't important. As much as I LOVE hugs, kisses and holding hands and cuddles, if I get at least a hug and a kiss everyday then I will be happy. I will shower you with as many as you want/can handle haha. 

Gifts: I love to give gifts. But feel awkward getting them if they are too big. Simple little "I was thinking of you" gifts are great! Like your out shopping and see ... My favorite kind of pocky and get me a box. Or handmade/thoughtful gifts are the best. But by all means I am not saying this has to be a daily or even monthly thing. It's last on my list, because yes it's nice but not important to me. 

4. Compromise and Accept: I have challenges, medical and mental. Someone who can understand and possibly compromise if outcomes don't work out. As mentioned before, if I fall in love with you, I'm in it 100% and will do my best to make you happy even if I compromise a lot in the beginning. 

So simply. Tell me I'm pretty and say thank you and or be grateful for my efforts. Help me out and be my equal. Do things with me even if it's a walk. You don't have to tell me you love me, just show me and a thoughtful gesture here and there is always welcomed. And understand my challenges and try to accept them. 

Seems easy, but hard to find ....

New stuff

So this is the picture that I painted for my newest tattoos I did on my feet. 

This new year is looking promising. I've finally started to clean up the negative and garbage in my life and I am actually starting to feel genuinely happy again. I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore, that I was trapped in a nightmare caused from my own issues. 

I have since free'd myself from enough of those chains that I can breathe and start to think clearly again. It has opened my world to new opportunities, friendships and dare I say, love?

I feel 2015 will be the start of a new me. A better version of what I used to be (when I loved myself) blended with who I ideally want to be. 

I was asked what my greatest accomplishment was ... And I couldn't answer. What HAVE I actually accomplished? I get so lazy and unfocused I don't ever seem to stick to any one thing, or take forever to finish it. 

My resolution this year is to focus. Even if that means being taught how. 

I have also surprisingly added another 'distraction' to my plate. This one in the form of an amazing person that fills me with joy and is teaching me to let go, love and enjoy myself. 

Online dating is hard but I have met many amazing men and women through it and now have some sweet friends. However, the place I actually meet this person is at a housewarming party playing games and talking about online dating haha. Go figure. 

Anyways. I am sure there will be more about this person in later posts but for now I will try to get some sleep as I lay awake thinking about my future and my current happiness. 

Goodnight beautiful people, you are amazing. 

New things

 There is beauty even in the ugliest weeds.

Being in a relationship can be rewarding and hard, but so is being on your own.

I am finding this out.
A lot is happening to me all at once, most bad but some good has come from it as well.

October started with the rather horrible fall out of my employer/client. He didn't seem to trust me to do my job and so nasty things were said and we parted ways (we have since apologized to each other and I feel meeting up again in the future would be pleasant). I had expected this anyways and had another job lined up.

The night after my first day of that job I had broken with my boyfriend of almost 3 years in a rather horrible way as well and found out a childhood friends mother had passed of MS literally an hour after the break-up. While I had been on the fence about the break-up, the news of the death was bittersweet, she no longer is suffering but its sad to see her gone. I am by no means religious but I send my thoughts to my friend and her family. <3 you Kayla, you will always be my sister.

The following day of work, the doctors said the stress from what happened caused it to start, but near the end of the day I had twisted around to see my co-worker and was in such severe pain I was throwing up and shaking. After keeping down a strong pain pill, I managed to finish the day and go home. That evening a friend that I also love dearly called me up and asked if I wanted to check out the downtown farmers market! Those that know me, of course I said yes! The pill was lasting through that but started to wear off in the grocery store to get the things we couldn't get at the market. I didnt know what was going on.

When pills wear off its not usually a gradual way, its like ... "nope okay times up, have fun" and again had an awful time vomiting and in pain. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. She is a nurse and I respect her so much and I was being so pathetic. She sat with me until I calmed down and helped me as much as she could, cancelling her evening plans. Eventually she convinced me to go to the emergency which she drove me in my car.

That place was stupid. There were like no people there and they literally forgot about us until someone came in and was like "oh you're still here" and then a doctor finally came in, asked questions and gave me nerve medicine. At this point we all still thought it was a back sprain or re-injury of my previous back injury. However, Joanne (nurse friend) thought it could be stones.

So after handing the WCB paper to my new employer after 3 days of work, they let me go lol. I kinda expected it. I spent the next few days looking for work online and dealing with my continual pain. 2 nights of no sleep will only make things worse ... trust me. After 4 hours of trying to sleep, walk off the pain, I finally give up and wake up my ex (which we have decided to still live together) to tell him I'm going to the hospital beside our house. He gets up and takes me instead (4am btw). We get there and a few people are waiting in the waiting room but its not too bad. They get me all done and give me the awkward cup for a urine sample. After a minute of waiting I decide to get the sample. Now I am not sure how long the other people were waiting but I heard the guy call me up while I was still in the bathroom (crazy fast!)

Again a bit more agonizing waiting as they process my sample. You can really tell when they had it finished though! Doctors came in and said I had Kidney stones .... YAY *sarcasm* And they start hooking me up to IV and get me in for a CT scan. I have 8 of the buggers and I am a farmer for them. Cause: I don't drink enough water and possible calcium deficiency.

Lesson learned: DRINK MORE WATER

After that a few more things happened and I also found out my Korean tutors mom passed this Thanksgiving weekend. It is also the anniversary of my sisters death this Thanksgiving weekend.

All in all, I feel like I am starting to get myself back. I am someone that gives my all in a relationship and I think I gave too much to make something work that maybe wasnt ment to be or not yet ment to be. Who knows.

My current goals are to start loving myself again, start this blog again, work more on my art and comic, and better myself. As I am now, I feel empty, lost and confused but also optimistic for the future.

Everyone deserves happiness. After this crazy month I hope something amazing will happen to counter all the bad.

Thanks for reading and love you all. <3

I also want to shout out my my amazing family (blood or not) who have been there for me through all this badness both emotionally and financially. You are all amazing and I love you. <3

Winter love birds

So this is my tutors roommate and his girlfriend from Korea! She is visiting until February. I have had the pleasure of meeting both of them a couple times now. They are so sweet together :3

After lessons we went to a local farmers market in the city by UofA campus. Felt more like a craft sale but still equally awesome. We also met up with another of his friends who plays in the military band. He was playing with his buddies at the market and it was so pretty. It was nice to sight see a bit.

Sorry I haven't posted in so long. Working long hours at my new job and its exhausting. Things are piling up on me and kinda stressing myself out! Need to stop it haha. Other then that I have been making plans to get myself up to schedule and speed with what I want to do versus what I feel I can do. So Regular updates should start happening soon. To be honest probably wont start till after the holidays.... Just to be safe :)

Anyways love you all!

Well then~

Wow things have been crazy lately. My surgeries didn't happen. But looking into some specialists that will actually try to help me. I have some pictures to upload from my tattooing. Gonna try getting back into the everyday blog thing. It was good for me and I am disappointed in myself for not keeping up with it. So hoping to start again soon.

The whole point of me doing the sketch blog was to help me get used to drawing everyday for when I become a tattoo artist and or work full time as a mangaka. Anyways lets get to the good stuff then shall we!

   Ok so the first is to prove that its straight and the second is to show whats actually written: 'I am the Emperors dog at Kew, pray tell me sir, whose dog are you?' The writing is fairly small and I had a good time doing it! Curtis sat well for it.

 This tattoo was alot of fun to do! Its for her daughter. Its not going to be colored but I think it looks good in black and white. It was her first and she was one of my best customers to this day. I look forward to any touch-ups or new ones from her.

 This was another for a daughter. Actually both women are friends. There is no black in this tattoo. The lines are a dark navy blue. Definitely good practice for coloring in. Apparently the lines hurt her more the coloring. Most find it opposite but meh. She was fun to tattoo as well.

I have several more tattoos lined up to be done when I finish my work at the county by then I am hoping to start saving for a really nice machine or some more colors of ink or maybe a thermal machine to save me some time with the stencils lol.

Alot has happened recently in my life. Things weren't working out with Richard and I so we are now just best friends. Reminds me of the Wonder Girls song~ Although I do have my visa to move to England I plan on using the money I had saved to further my tattooing career, emergency funding for my new car named Sousuke and most likely move into my own place (with some roomates to help with rent) in Leduc or Edmonton. Its amazing the amount of self confidence I am felling now. Doing things for myself and working hard for no one but me. Such an amazing feeling. Just wished I could have had that operation so I could go back to the gym and make myself feel good on the outside as well. Although the lower stress amount has made me lose some weight I still dont feel comfortable in my own skin. I know I will never be a thin model but I don't want to be. I know I would be happiest as a toned curvy girl so thats my aim. Looking at a size 10-12 ... im a 15-16 atm so Im getting there!

Anyways got some more stuff to get done tonight so goodnight world! Love ya!