Thursday, October 16, 2014

New things

 There is beauty even in the ugliest weeds.

Being in a relationship can be rewarding and hard, but so is being on your own.

I am finding this out.
A lot is happening to me all at once, most bad but some good has come from it as well.

October started with the rather horrible fall out of my employer/client. He didn't seem to trust me to do my job and so nasty things were said and we parted ways (we have since apologized to each other and I feel meeting up again in the future would be pleasant). I had expected this anyways and had another job lined up.

The night after my first day of that job I had broken with my boyfriend of almost 3 years in a rather horrible way as well and found out a childhood friends mother had passed of MS literally an hour after the break-up. While I had been on the fence about the break-up, the news of the death was bittersweet, she no longer is suffering but its sad to see her gone. I am by no means religious but I send my thoughts to my friend and her family. <3 you Kayla, you will always be my sister.

The following day of work, the doctors said the stress from what happened caused it to start, but near the end of the day I had twisted around to see my co-worker and was in such severe pain I was throwing up and shaking. After keeping down a strong pain pill, I managed to finish the day and go home. That evening a friend that I also love dearly called me up and asked if I wanted to check out the downtown farmers market! Those that know me, of course I said yes! The pill was lasting through that but started to wear off in the grocery store to get the things we couldn't get at the market. I didnt know what was going on.

When pills wear off its not usually a gradual way, its like ... "nope okay times up, have fun" and again had an awful time vomiting and in pain. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. She is a nurse and I respect her so much and I was being so pathetic. She sat with me until I calmed down and helped me as much as she could, cancelling her evening plans. Eventually she convinced me to go to the emergency which she drove me in my car.

That place was stupid. There were like no people there and they literally forgot about us until someone came in and was like "oh you're still here" and then a doctor finally came in, asked questions and gave me nerve medicine. At this point we all still thought it was a back sprain or re-injury of my previous back injury. However, Joanne (nurse friend) thought it could be stones.

So after handing the WCB paper to my new employer after 3 days of work, they let me go lol. I kinda expected it. I spent the next few days looking for work online and dealing with my continual pain. 2 nights of no sleep will only make things worse ... trust me. After 4 hours of trying to sleep, walk off the pain, I finally give up and wake up my ex (which we have decided to still live together) to tell him I'm going to the hospital beside our house. He gets up and takes me instead (4am btw). We get there and a few people are waiting in the waiting room but its not too bad. They get me all done and give me the awkward cup for a urine sample. After a minute of waiting I decide to get the sample. Now I am not sure how long the other people were waiting but I heard the guy call me up while I was still in the bathroom (crazy fast!)

Again a bit more agonizing waiting as they process my sample. You can really tell when they had it finished though! Doctors came in and said I had Kidney stones .... YAY *sarcasm* And they start hooking me up to IV and get me in for a CT scan. I have 8 of the buggers and I am a farmer for them. Cause: I don't drink enough water and possible calcium deficiency.

Lesson learned: DRINK MORE WATER

After that a few more things happened and I also found out my Korean tutors mom passed this Thanksgiving weekend. It is also the anniversary of my sisters death this Thanksgiving weekend.

All in all, I feel like I am starting to get myself back. I am someone that gives my all in a relationship and I think I gave too much to make something work that maybe wasnt ment to be or not yet ment to be. Who knows.

My current goals are to start loving myself again, start this blog again, work more on my art and comic, and better myself. As I am now, I feel empty, lost and confused but also optimistic for the future.

Everyone deserves happiness. After this crazy month I hope something amazing will happen to counter all the bad.

Thanks for reading and love you all. <3

I also want to shout out my my amazing family (blood or not) who have been there for me through all this badness both emotionally and financially. You are all amazing and I love you. <3

Monday, August 11, 2014


Another Empty Soul
I find myself on a slippery slope,
heading for a bottomless pit.

My heart has given up,
on what it longed for.
There is no excitement
or up lift there.
Just sadness and sorrow
to look at and stare.
An empty vessel
on a sea of dreams,
no outstretched hand
to drag me out of there.
Down I go into darkness,
the light above gets dimmer
as I go on my ride downward.
I am not looking back,
too many broken dreams there.
The darkness will soon engulf me,
and then I will be gone.
Who will sing my praises?
No one I fear.
I will be another empty soul,
on a sea that is already full,
too aimless
to find any way back.

Tuesday, May 06, 2014

New hair and thoughts

So yeah went back to natural or it will when the Demi permanent fades out. But I will enjoy the cherry orange for a bit! 

So I'm curious why more guys don't watch "chick flicks". We obviously like them because of the relationship the characters have is what we really want but know we will never get. 

I met a guy who watched these. Learned from them. He was sweet and genuine but I was so used to not having romance like that it was weird and I didn't know how to react to it without feeling like my 6 year old self fantasizing about castles and Prince Charming. 

Why is it so wrong to have a movie type romance? Most are based off real events or fantasies that someone WANTS. I think the world would be a better place if we all loved like that. Uplifting and special. The whole "I would take a bullet for you" or I guess with societies fascination with vampires and zombies "I would take a bite for you" ( I'm guilty for the zombies haha)

What I'm trying to say is, guys (and some of you ladies) stop trying to impress your friends of how cool you are by making your partner feel like crap and make them jelous of what you have and they don't.

I am tired of hearing, seeing and feeling the hurt from others and myself. Why can't we all feel special? Like someone wants us and needs us and no one can replace us. 

Anyways. Respect and understanding is what I'm trying to get at. 

Love you all