Been a long time....

I call this 'If you...'. It's a self portrait of the recent things I have been hearing and thinking lately about how my life and those in it are changing and affecting me.

Hello fans and readers,

Been a long time I know. Today is March 1 of 2017, so I figured it was a good starting point for me. I hate to come back being all sad, but its helped me draw a bit today so it worked out. This image comes from "If you only lost this much." "If you didn't have tattoos there" "If you had/hadn't of done that." etc. that I have been hearing a lot lately. I feel that with the weight ones specifically I am beginning to get an eating disorder, but I will resist as best as I can. It's all starting to drag me down and question everything in my life right now.

I'm not sure who I am anymore. Will I ever be good enough, to myself and those I look up to? On the outside my life is going fairly well. Should soon be married, tattoo conventions, business plans, travel and making enough doing super part time work with a shop, clients and tattoos I like. But for some reason I just feel empty. I will continue to work on myself, my happiness and growing as an artist and person. I do plan on attempting to update this daily from here on out, but with all things happening at once it should be at least every other day!

Thank you for the continued support.

Love you all

New stuff

So this is the picture that I painted for my newest tattoos I did on my feet. 

This new year is looking promising. I've finally started to clean up the negative and garbage in my life and I am actually starting to feel genuinely happy again. I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore, that I was trapped in a nightmare caused from my own issues. 

I have since free'd myself from enough of those chains that I can breathe and start to think clearly again. It has opened my world to new opportunities, friendships and dare I say, love?

I feel 2015 will be the start of a new me. A better version of what I used to be (when I loved myself) blended with who I ideally want to be. 

I was asked what my greatest accomplishment was ... And I couldn't answer. What HAVE I actually accomplished? I get so lazy and unfocused I don't ever seem to stick to any one thing, or take forever to finish it. 

My resolution this year is to focus. Even if that means being taught how. 

I have also surprisingly added another 'distraction' to my plate. This one in the form of an amazing person that fills me with joy and is teaching me to let go, love and enjoy myself. 

Online dating is hard but I have met many amazing men and women through it and now have some sweet friends. However, the place I actually meet this person is at a housewarming party playing games and talking about online dating haha. Go figure. 

Anyways. I am sure there will be more about this person in later posts but for now I will try to get some sleep as I lay awake thinking about my future and my current happiness. 

Goodnight beautiful people, you are amazing. 

New things

 There is beauty even in the ugliest weeds.

Being in a relationship can be rewarding and hard, but so is being on your own.

I am finding this out.
A lot is happening to me all at once, most bad but some good has come from it as well.

October started with the rather horrible fall out of my employer/client. He didn't seem to trust me to do my job and so nasty things were said and we parted ways (we have since apologized to each other and I feel meeting up again in the future would be pleasant). I had expected this anyways and had another job lined up.

The night after my first day of that job I had broken with my boyfriend of almost 3 years in a rather horrible way as well and found out a childhood friends mother had passed of MS literally an hour after the break-up. While I had been on the fence about the break-up, the news of the death was bittersweet, she no longer is suffering but its sad to see her gone. I am by no means religious but I send my thoughts to my friend and her family. <3 you Kayla, you will always be my sister.

The following day of work, the doctors said the stress from what happened caused it to start, but near the end of the day I had twisted around to see my co-worker and was in such severe pain I was throwing up and shaking. After keeping down a strong pain pill, I managed to finish the day and go home. That evening a friend that I also love dearly called me up and asked if I wanted to check out the downtown farmers market! Those that know me, of course I said yes! The pill was lasting through that but started to wear off in the grocery store to get the things we couldn't get at the market. I didnt know what was going on.

When pills wear off its not usually a gradual way, its like ... "nope okay times up, have fun" and again had an awful time vomiting and in pain. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. She is a nurse and I respect her so much and I was being so pathetic. She sat with me until I calmed down and helped me as much as she could, cancelling her evening plans. Eventually she convinced me to go to the emergency which she drove me in my car.

That place was stupid. There were like no people there and they literally forgot about us until someone came in and was like "oh you're still here" and then a doctor finally came in, asked questions and gave me nerve medicine. At this point we all still thought it was a back sprain or re-injury of my previous back injury. However, Joanne (nurse friend) thought it could be stones.

So after handing the WCB paper to my new employer after 3 days of work, they let me go lol. I kinda expected it. I spent the next few days looking for work online and dealing with my continual pain. 2 nights of no sleep will only make things worse ... trust me. After 4 hours of trying to sleep, walk off the pain, I finally give up and wake up my ex (which we have decided to still live together) to tell him I'm going to the hospital beside our house. He gets up and takes me instead (4am btw). We get there and a few people are waiting in the waiting room but its not too bad. They get me all done and give me the awkward cup for a urine sample. After a minute of waiting I decide to get the sample. Now I am not sure how long the other people were waiting but I heard the guy call me up while I was still in the bathroom (crazy fast!)

Again a bit more agonizing waiting as they process my sample. You can really tell when they had it finished though! Doctors came in and said I had Kidney stones .... YAY *sarcasm* And they start hooking me up to IV and get me in for a CT scan. I have 8 of the buggers and I am a farmer for them. Cause: I don't drink enough water and possible calcium deficiency.

Lesson learned: DRINK MORE WATER

After that a few more things happened and I also found out my Korean tutors mom passed this Thanksgiving weekend. It is also the anniversary of my sisters death this Thanksgiving weekend.

All in all, I feel like I am starting to get myself back. I am someone that gives my all in a relationship and I think I gave too much to make something work that maybe wasnt ment to be or not yet ment to be. Who knows.

My current goals are to start loving myself again, start this blog again, work more on my art and comic, and better myself. As I am now, I feel empty, lost and confused but also optimistic for the future.

Everyone deserves happiness. After this crazy month I hope something amazing will happen to counter all the bad.

Thanks for reading and love you all. <3

I also want to shout out my my amazing family (blood or not) who have been there for me through all this badness both emotionally and financially. You are all amazing and I love you. <3

Well then~

Wow things have been crazy lately. My surgeries didn't happen. But looking into some specialists that will actually try to help me. I have some pictures to upload from my tattooing. Gonna try getting back into the everyday blog thing. It was good for me and I am disappointed in myself for not keeping up with it. So hoping to start again soon.

The whole point of me doing the sketch blog was to help me get used to drawing everyday for when I become a tattoo artist and or work full time as a mangaka. Anyways lets get to the good stuff then shall we!

   Ok so the first is to prove that its straight and the second is to show whats actually written: 'I am the Emperors dog at Kew, pray tell me sir, whose dog are you?' The writing is fairly small and I had a good time doing it! Curtis sat well for it.

 This tattoo was alot of fun to do! Its for her daughter. Its not going to be colored but I think it looks good in black and white. It was her first and she was one of my best customers to this day. I look forward to any touch-ups or new ones from her.

 This was another for a daughter. Actually both women are friends. There is no black in this tattoo. The lines are a dark navy blue. Definitely good practice for coloring in. Apparently the lines hurt her more the coloring. Most find it opposite but meh. She was fun to tattoo as well.

I have several more tattoos lined up to be done when I finish my work at the county by then I am hoping to start saving for a really nice machine or some more colors of ink or maybe a thermal machine to save me some time with the stencils lol.

Alot has happened recently in my life. Things weren't working out with Richard and I so we are now just best friends. Reminds me of the Wonder Girls song~ Although I do have my visa to move to England I plan on using the money I had saved to further my tattooing career, emergency funding for my new car named Sousuke and most likely move into my own place (with some roomates to help with rent) in Leduc or Edmonton. Its amazing the amount of self confidence I am felling now. Doing things for myself and working hard for no one but me. Such an amazing feeling. Just wished I could have had that operation so I could go back to the gym and make myself feel good on the outside as well. Although the lower stress amount has made me lose some weight I still dont feel comfortable in my own skin. I know I will never be a thin model but I don't want to be. I know I would be happiest as a toned curvy girl so thats my aim. Looking at a size 10-12 ... im a 15-16 atm so Im getting there!

Anyways got some more stuff to get done tonight so goodnight world! Love ya!