Almost

Almost 

Today feels like a day I should be happy, and for the most part I am I guess. I have an awesome insurance agent that reduced my premium from $295 to $216 a month and finally got our marriage license. But with the marriage license comes the feeling of am I worth it? Is this what I want? Is this what my partner wants? Are we happy?

Little things are starting to become bigger and more serious things and all of our problems with ourselves and each other are coming out. Its reminding me of all the stupid things I have done and do and my past mistakes that continue to haunt me. My partners culture is very focused on the past and its hard to get my view of 'dragging the past behind you, will stop you from moving forward the way you want' across. It will take time and they are trying to understand but that is the issues with a multi-cultural and large age gap relationship. 

Hopefully better news tomorrow! At least I'm working <3

Love you all

Been a long time....

I call this 'If you...'. It's a self portrait of the recent things I have been hearing and thinking lately about how my life and those in it are changing and affecting me.

Hello fans and readers,

Been a long time I know. Today is March 1 of 2017, so I figured it was a good starting point for me. I hate to come back being all sad, but its helped me draw a bit today so it worked out. This image comes from "If you only lost this much." "If you didn't have tattoos there" "If you had/hadn't of done that." etc. that I have been hearing a lot lately. I feel that with the weight ones specifically I am beginning to get an eating disorder, but I will resist as best as I can. It's all starting to drag me down and question everything in my life right now.

I'm not sure who I am anymore. Will I ever be good enough, to myself and those I look up to? On the outside my life is going fairly well. Should soon be married, tattoo conventions, business plans, travel and making enough doing super part time work with a shop, clients and tattoos I like. But for some reason I just feel empty. I will continue to work on myself, my happiness and growing as an artist and person. I do plan on attempting to update this daily from here on out, but with all things happening at once it should be at least every other day!

Thank you for the continued support.

Love you all

Dear future partner,

I've seen these requirements posts floating around and I thought I would do one. What I am looking for in a partner (I like men and women equally) might not be what everyone else generally wants.

1. My first love language is Quality Time:
Spending quality time with me. This one is just under priority of acts of service. Doesn't have to be a date and honestly hate wasting money on silly things. But I am easy to please and if you are by my side I am generally happy. But don't just sit on a couch all day playing games with me in the house awkwardly sitting beside you. I love video games and most that I play are multiplayer. I'm also into going and trying new things. I want to be more active and social. Let's do things together! 

2. My second, after a lot of thought, is Words of Affirmation:

I love to give and receive this one. I do my best to always give but noticing a lack of receiving. I was lying in bed and started thinking of all the people I have dated. All but two never told me I was pretty without me asking first. Very few would acknowledge or thank me for things I did. Makes me sad. So thank you Richard and 홍규, my two long distance relationships. I just want to find someone who thinks I am the best thing for them and tells me and uplifts me.

3. Everyone is all of them but some more then others. Here they are to me in order of importance. 

Service: If I fall in love with you, I will do almost everything to make you happy. But some help with daily/weekly chores or errands goes along way. Show me how much you care by helping me (don't take over if I'm doing something and you want to help. Then help.). This isn't just chores, could be a project I'm working on or help with something I'm struggling with. Show me you think I'm your equal.

Touch: Now this one is and isn't important. As much as I LOVE hugs, kisses and holding hands and cuddles, if I get at least a hug and a kiss everyday then I will be happy. I will shower you with as many as you want/can handle haha. 

Gifts: I love to give gifts. But feel awkward getting them if they are too big. Simple little "I was thinking of you" gifts are great! Like your out shopping and see ... My favorite kind of pocky and get me a box. Or handmade/thoughtful gifts are the best. But by all means I am not saying this has to be a daily or even monthly thing. It's last on my list, because yes it's nice but not important to me. 

4. Compromise and Accept: I have challenges, medical and mental. Someone who can understand and possibly compromise if outcomes don't work out. As mentioned before, if I fall in love with you, I'm in it 100% and will do my best to make you happy even if I compromise a lot in the beginning. 

So simply. Tell me I'm pretty and say thank you and or be grateful for my efforts. Help me out and be my equal. Do things with me even if it's a walk. You don't have to tell me you love me, just show me and a thoughtful gesture here and there is always welcomed. And understand my challenges and try to accept them. 

Seems easy, but hard to find ....

Games and Self Worth

So to try and get away from how nasty the world can be sometimes, I play video games. As anyone who knows me, I like fantasy. Final Fantasy. And what better game then one with a whole bunch of other people who love FF playing together and making memories! Above is a quick sketch of my Scholar (healer). I was a TaruTaru/Lalafell (midget) before but Mithra/Miquote (cat girl) are easier to cosplay (dress up) later on.

I have come to love this character and all the stuff I have accomplished with her. I may color and finish it later but for now I like it as a sketch. I am also impressed with how my art style is changing for the better it seems. I can still do a total anime style if I like but still working on the realistic side. However, I feel I am heading in the right direction.

Not being in a relationship has its good and bad points I suppose. I give 100% when in one I am happy in which leaves not a lot left for myself but I make it work. When I am single I am depressed but tend to focus on myself more. Win/loose.

It has been awhile since drawing something I really like instead of tattoo art. It was nice. I wish more people accepted digital drawn art. I show my work to people and they ask how I did it and when I say Photoshop they assume its just manipulation. NO, I have a drawing tablet and instead of cutting down trees and using a ton of supplies, I have it all free, in front of me on a easier to use and better for my hands and wrist digital format. Mistakes are easier to fix and no longer mean that an almost finished painting gets water on it and ruins it. Don't get me wrong, I love traditional art as well. I like the look of it better to be honest, But from a talent point of view, I see no difference.

Anyways rant over.
Love you all <3

P.S. some pictures from my FF memories.

 Taru King and myself!

 Fishing!

 Hotspring

 Lantern Festival

 oh man that hideous top I had to wear for 5 levels.....

 Crystal Tower Story was the best so far

 Fun at the beach with my friends

 more Crystal Tower Stuff

 What my character looks like right now (got new gear!)

 What she used to look like....

 Aw yeah.... glowing book

 Friends got married! Then left the server ; ;

 Chilling at Lina's house

Good Night!

Ramblings of the Hopless

Why?
You broke me to not hurt me.
Confusion,
Anger,
Pain,
Sadness.
What did I really do wrong?
Was there no way to fix it?
Was there no feelings at all?
If there was not,
Thank you for not crushing me later down the road.
If there was,
am I not worth it?
I knew the path I was on with you.
Accepted,
Sacrificed,
Opened my walls.
I did not mind.
I would have waited a lifetime.
If only to share with you,
How amazing it feels to be with you.
So please enlighten me how it is not fair,
That the small sacrifice of waiting,
Is more hurtful than this earth shattering sadness I have right now.
If my only fault was loving you,
Then I will move on if you not longer wish for me.
Lets stay close,
So I do not stray into the darkness.
I will forever hold a piece of you in my heart,
Even if the tears try to wash it away.

I love you.

So now that's out of the way. My trip to Maui was eventful to say the least. The best parts for me were the road to Hana, seeing the look on my niece's face as we when to get "tattoos" (hena) like aunty, eating more then I should have in gelato (soooo frikken good) and getting the start of my tattoo sleeve done for an awesome price. Some of the bad: too much beach time, Sunburns, sleeping on the floor, and my dad being rushed to the hospital. Both parents are still in Hawaii. My dad is recovering fast and we hope to see them home soon.

The poem is for what happened when I got home. I missed 2 things. My bed and my boyfriend.
I don't want to go into details. I am just very depressed and confused. I have amazing friends and family who are being so supportive right now.
Anyways I will post the link to the photos from the trip soon.

Love you all.